Owning a pet is a responsibility. Too often people see them as either objects to fulfill a deeply rooted emotional need for love (lonely individuals whose only path to receiving unconditional love is from an animal that only likes them because they provide food, water, and the occasional neck scratch) or to help them meet members of the opposite sex. The latter is an okay strategy if you lack charm, wit and/or good looks. Here is a quick guide for guys to help them choose a pet next time they are down at the pet store.

Dogs

Man’s best friend. Sort of. There are basically three kinds of dogs. Dogs, small noisy dogs and tiny purse based dogs. The last two kinds should be skipped. Dogs are supposed to be larger than cats, be able to run in the fields to chase after stuff, survive winter without a doggie jacket and pull a sled across great distances to bring medicine to a village. That is what a dog is supposed to do. They are a product of evolution that has led them to be humankinds’ little helper. Also they can be super gnarly.

Somewhere along the line, most likely the enlightenment era in Europe and the Qiing dynasty in Asia, dogs went from beasts of burden/source of protein to creepy organic accessories. Small dogs require clothing to survive the winters in Canada. I noticed this the last time I was in Toronto. There was no snow but every dog had a sweater on. Animals have fur for a reason, if they cannot take the cold, probably shouldn’t be in the country.

Dogs that rule/are bad ass:

Border collies. These sheep dogs have been confirmed as the smartest type of dog. They are clever, easy to train, can survive winter and are cute. Also they are capable of battling it out with Coyotes as demonstrated by Warner Bros. Border collies are the epitome of this kind of breed and rule. Border collies require a great deal of space though so you cannot live in an apartment and own one otherwise it is cruel. They also require a lot of walking and are happiest with a job to do.
Huskies. Why they are cool: they look like wolves. They can pull a dog sled and are fiercely loyal. They can live inside or outdoors and they look like wolves!
Australian cattle dog. Similar to a border collie but less intelligent but a little cuter so they would appeal to women well.
German shepherds and bulldogs: gnarly dogs.

Why dogs are cool:
Loyal. Friendly. Solid history of helping humans. Useful in a tight spot. Used by America’s heroes (fire fighters).

Why dogs suck:
They eat their own puke, and lick their own balls, and sniff other dogs’ feces. Also, all the reasons I stated above about dogs becoming fashion accessories. Also the creepy eugenics aspect of many dogs and how they came about (look up either afghan hounds or Dachshund –> inbred = mentally retarded).

Potential for gaming:
Gaming potential is high in certain regions, primarily the southern United States; more specifically Texas. Also if you go hunting, they can find the duck, or laugh at you.

Appeal:
Medium to High.

Conclusion:
Dog’s are a good choice for a pet as long as you get a good kind of dog. Be specific and do not jump on a trend. Too often a certain breed becomes popular but then you are stuck with something for about a decade and it may not be a good choice. Also, avoid the “designer” dog breeds, such as the Porkie (a cross between a pug and a Yorkie), the Labradoodle (a cross between a Labrador retriever and a poodle), and a Cockapoo (a spaniel mixed with poodle), because at some point you will have to answer the question “What kind of dog is that?” and might not want to sound… generally wrong. I wouldn’t buy a car simply because it was popular (prius) because I know it is a long term investment. Something new and better will come around in a few years. Buy a dog that would be badass.

Cats

Cats are in many ways similar to owning gold fish. Keep them fed and clean up after them and that’s the extent of what you can do with them. Cats are decorative, relatively clean and appeal to some women because they create an air of vulnerability. This is of course a lie. Cats are cute when they are young and become black holes of money, dried food and affection. Indie chicks like them though.

Why cats are cool:
Cats are essentially; from an evolutionary stand point, the most effective land based mammal natural killing machines. They have a purely meat diet. When they go feral they decimate whole regions of critter (e.g. feral cat problem in Australia). They have retractable claws, always land on their feet and natural night vision. That’s right, night vision! Awesome!

Why cats are stupid:
They might possibly the laziest creatures known to man. They sleep about eighteen hours per day. All that night vision and super evolved hunter capabilities doesn’t mean a whole lot when they spend most of their time chasing a piece of string.

Potential gaming factor:
Low. You cannot bet on them effectively. Too lazy/unpredictable for effective gambling.

Appeal:
Medium.

Conclusion:
Cats are okay pets. They are kind of humankind’s drinking buddy. The kind of buddy that orders drinks then sticks you with the tab at the end of the night. If you feel an absolute need to have another living creature live with you, cats are a good choice. Otherwise, these lazy, stupid milk drinkers are a waste of time. Do Not Become A Creepy Cat Person!

Fish

Appeal:
Similar to house plants only they move more. They require little commitment outside of occasionally changing their water and throwing in some food.

Why they are cool:
Finding Nemo.

Why they suck:
Jaws.

Potential for gaming:
None.

Conclusion:
Delicious with lemon/owning fish is for people who do not care about owning a pet. They are easily replaceable if they die on the way home from the pet store. If you run out of food and do not want to go to a grocery store, you can always see a goldfish as a very small free range trout.

Birds

Unless it’s a falcon, owning a bird is lame. Some birds can live twenty five years or more. Falcon’s can be used for hunting small rodents and require an awesome/bad ass glove.
Parrots are only cool when you teach them swear words.
Roosters have a very high gaming potential. Also you can show people your coq and not get arrested. Plus there are a ton of Seinfeld references you can make.

Snakes

Pro: snakes can be used to set up awesome traps. You place a viper in a box, mail it to your enemies and bang! No more enemies.
Con: not for the squeamish. Many people are afraid of snakes. Ever seen one eat? It is pretty gross. Also for many cool snakes you need to feed them live mice.

Conclusion: Cool for a few days cause you own a snake, and then it loses its appeal pretty quick. Professor Henry Jones Jr. hates snakes and that is enough of a reason for most of us.

Rabbits

Delicious.
Women find them adorable.
They bite.

Conclusion:
Maybe, good if you are allergic to the big two (cats and dogs).

Bearded Dragon

Dude, It’s a friggin’ dragon! You feed it crickets and it lives in a cage. Cool!

Hedgehogs

Nah.

Iguana

Iguanas are kind of cool. Their tail can reach about six feet and they are really friendly. Downside is similar to snakes. Women do not like reptiles. Hard to bring to bars and are an awkward conversation piece though. Plus that kid from the comic strip foxtrot has an iguana and that comic strip is dumb.