Before spending $65 an hour on a plumber for a job that takes only 9 minutes, plus parts, plus dirty boot tracks across your newly mopped floors, make sure the problem is something you can’t take care of on your own. I know it’s tempting to call Wrenchy McWrench over, just so you can throw maraschino cherries into that black hole staring up at you from under the sink, but with some basic knowledge and much less than $65 in tools and supplies you can plunge, tighten, and screw your way out of most leaky situations. When it comes to replacing major pipes, opening walls, and installing new systems it’s always best to call in a professional. These tips should help you with everything else.

A FAULTY THRONE

The toilet, or as I like to call it, The-seat-where-I-read- my-Far Side-comics, has a very simple flushing mechanism. Once you become familiar with its parts and how they work you can fix just about any problem (other than the time cousin Ricky dropped a waterproof fire-cracker into the water and cracked the bowl) without spending hundreds on a plumber. These are the most common problems people face:

Clog This!

“You ever go to a big party, go in the bathroom, flush the toilet and the water starts coming up? This is the most frightening moment in the life of a human being. You’ll do anything to stop this. You’ll lose your mind and start talking to the toilet. ‘No please, don’t do this to me!’ ” Jerry Seinfeld

The only thing worse than clogging a toilet is clogging someone else’s toilet. Here’s a quick tip, if you flush once and the swamp-water rises dangerously high, DO NOT flush again. I know it’s tempting, but it’s better to run off into the night than to explain why the River Kwai is carrying your lunch into the kitchen. Fortunately a small clog can easily be cleared, you had just better pray there’s a plunger nearby, or if not a nearby window to jump out of.

Major clogs, however, the type that usually occur on and around Superbowl Sunday, will probably require a closet auger. They are specially designed for toilets, so that when you place the padded section at the bottom of the bowl and you shove the handle down with a strong fast motion, a piece of coiled metal will snake its way 4-5 feet into your toilet drain. Cranking the handle around should clear away most clogs, and Dr. Octopus impressions are perfectly acceptable during this procedure.

If you’re clogging the toilet with crayons, you’ve got problems a closet auger can’t fix.

Plunger: $1.00
Closet Auger: $30.00
Unclogging the toilet seconds before it spills over your hot date’s bathroom floor: Priceless

Doesn’t Flush

If your toilet doesn’t flush you can usually fix it by replacing a broken chain, tightening a loose handle, or by securing improperly secured tank balls. Hate to admit it, but this entire article was just an excuse to write “improperly secured tank balls”. Think about it, let the image sink in…ahhh…there it is.

Constantly Running

If the water in your toilet is constantly running you can check the tank for one of four things:

1. The flapper chain is tangled, restricting the flapper from closing. To fix simply untangle the chain.
2. The flapper has deteriorated over the years and no longer provides a tight seal around the drain, much like that condom you’ve had in your wallet since the Clinton administration. Flappers are cheap and easy to replace.
3. The tank ball (ha!) needs adjusting. If you lift the ball (ha!) and the water stops running, it needs to be re-adjusted with the screw on the fill valve. Word to the wise: When adjusting a tank ball, make sure to screw properly.
4. The fill valve no longer registers when the tank is full and lets water to continue to flow into the tank. This is a bit more complicated to fix, but is still extremely simple and do-able on your own. A new fill valve costs less than $10.00 and replacing the old one (http://diditonmyown.com/?p=5) takes about 30 minutes.

NOISY PIPES

From banging to hammering to high-pitched squeaking, your water pipes can produce a symphony of sounds making you feel like you’re living in a submarine. The trick to solving this problem is to identify the specific sounds, and to know from which glen the pipes, the pipes are calling. In other words if the squeaky culprit is exposed you have some DIU options, but if the pipes are concealed in your ceiling or behind a wall, you’re better to call in a pro.

Banging
Pipes are usually/hopefully anchored with metal or plastic straps every 6 to 8 feet for horizontal runs, or 8 to 10 feet for vertical. Banging pipes usually means loose pipes.

Solution
- Add more straps to anchor the pipe. Plastic ones cost a whopping $0.39 each, while galvanized straps start anywhere from $0.89 to $3.00. Two things you should remember in life: Don’t ever cross the streams while ghostbusting, and Do not use galvanized straps on copper pipes. Both could result in opening a portal to the netherworld.
- Cushion the pipes from the straps with a rubber blanket. Silencio!

Squeaking
Only your hot water pipes will squeak. No need to check for aquatic vermin, the sound occurs when the pipe expands in its strap causing friction.

Solution
The problem is the opposite of a banging pipe but the solution is the same: a rubber cushion between the pipe and the strap.

Water Hammer
Have you ever turned off a faucet or an appliance quickly causing the water to “hammer” against the pipes? This abrupt stoppage can occur when your air chambers, lengths of pipe which use air to cushion the shock when flowing water is shut off, fill with water and are no longer useful.

Solution
Turn off the water at the main shutoff valve. Open all your faucets to drain the entire system. Close the faucets and turn on the water again. This should refill your chambers with air.

FIX YOUR SINK

Basic sink problems that you can fix without having to call in the man with the winking third eye are blockages and minor leaks. A plunger, Drano, and some bleach are all you need to unclog small blockages. If these don’t work you’ll probably have to go under the sink and remove the U-shaped pipe called the “P trap” (make sure to have a bucket underneath when doing this) so you can fiddle and jiggle inside the pipes with a stiff wire. A coat hanger works if you have nothing else.

In my search for tips on how to fix your sink I discovered some interesting facts. According to the Urban Dictionary, the term “fix your sink” means to have sexual intercourse with someone, ie “I’m going to fix Ms. Robinson’s sink!” I also managed to discover two great videos on how to fix a leaky sink faucet, and how to unclog a sink pipe. I looked up “leaky pipe” in the Urban Dictionary, sadly, the term remains undefined. “Plumber” however, is defined as “a man who fixes many sinks.”